"Listen to my story. This may be our last chance"
- Tidus
Now this is another serious post. Now many have known the extent of my suffering that I have been going through for the entire 23 years of my life. Before anyone of you continues to be cold towards me in any wave shape or form, I want everyone to note.
I don't want to make this sound like that I want sympathy from you. I never want to act as if that I am attempting to manipulate you people. I never want to act as if I'm creeping you out. I'm just struggling to implore you all, just hear me out;
I just want you to know and think better and less ill of me because seriously speaking, I have enough of all this.
And I tell you guys all nothing but the truth.
*About Aspergers Syndrone and struggling with it
- If you want to explore what it is, Google or Wikipedia is your friend.
Now till now, I still don't understand the extent of how bad this spectrum of Autism can be. And I don't understand of what will result from this. Therefore, any bad behavior and thinking that is unintended from me personally, I really do apologize sincerely and meaningfully. I bear no ill will towards others unless with valid and obvious reasons. However that shouldn't give a reason, again unless valid, to hold ill will or treat me badly against me either.
I only heard about it when I started paying visits to psychiatrists to try and get around that.
Till now, I've been viewing this as a curse and I bore this heavy burden and carried this Cross for a long time. People been telling me not to, but I just don't understand how I should view this. Time after time every now and again, I've been praying in Church to find such answers. God's plan for me.... but I'm struggling to accept it, for the 12 years when I first was told of such a condition.
I may not talk much but I tend to be shy when it comes to speaking up and interact with friends. Basically in truth, I find it hard at times to keep my circle of friends and I struggle with it often. And bad things that happened, it hit me extremely hard, whether my fault or when I was the victim.
And many stories which I'm sharing have led me to be extremely wary of people and easily affected and traumatized by many things which unintentionally puts people off. It's by experiences in the past that led me to this stage of difficulty of maintaining and establishing friendship with others, and obviously a lack of a girlfriend in my entire 23 years of living.
*My Stories.
In truth, 23 years ago, the story of me almost ended before it even began. I was brought into the world prematurely. And learnt from my parents that I spent like a month and a half in an incubator at Critical Condition. So in short, I nearly almost didn't exist, much to my mum's initial fears.
And as being small and frail as a result of premature birth when I first started life, people take advantage of me, resulting to victim of countless bullying incidents and assaults. And many of these incidents even after 20 years I can still remember lots of my bad stories about me and cause huge traumas of what I think of people.
Days in Primary and Secondary school weren't exactly a bed of roses. In fact, these chapters hold a very big majority of my haunting memories that plague me till now. Already on board a school bus, this already started. And one of them, who eventually became a member of Genesis II Choir, was a potentially tall (for his age) and an intimidating presence on board. And things like stealing pencil cases, spoiling zips, taking my water flasks were one end of the spectrum. How about physical force at the end of the spectrum? Bullies were super super common and taking advantage of me was a super regular affair till my Dad have to step in and address the classes several times to suppress all this. This had little effect still however.
At the same time, I was subject of even more in my Electone Courses. I purely left the course because I encountered such dicks there under Mr Yeo.
At Secondary School, this gets more apparent. Dad to closely monitor this, joined the Ping Yi Secondary Parent support Group. Eventually he rose to the Group's Vice-Chair and always gets in contact with members of the staff.
The Secondary Three Camp is the one that I definitely cannot forget. This is one such instance whereby bullying went to the extreme levels that caused not only caused me physical injuries like burns (one of them I still bear as a scar). This escalated to a police case which was inconclusive and we couldn't find the suspects. I wasn't the only one beaten up by a group of gangsters in camp. It resulted me with physical injuries, mental injury and property injury. I was so scared of people as a result from things like this. I wanted to quickly get the hell away from school but I knew that it was impossible and this traumatized me really heavily and was left still taking several beatings till I graduated.
The thing about all these bullying crap, once they do it, they never dare to admit and in turn not stop doing it till heavy intervention is needed.
However, this have made me having phobia of camps and large places without personal company which I nearly don't have. I avoided band camps or any sort of camps after that. My instructor understood and acknowledged my fears and was absolutely fine with me to at least attend daily programs planned out without staying the nights. However, Confirmation Camp back in Our Lady of Perpetual Succour Church was also compulsory. You all may think this is a big joke but that's the truth. Even National Service I was already extremely paranoid just in case anything happens to me.
Although Life in the National Service was generally good as a clerk (if nothing to do for me that is), some people are generally too much. There was like one ME2 like out of the blue like report me to Chief Clerk of some shit for nothing. Eh, I just arrived in the unit, and you wanna scare me away? I never even spoke to you and was like damn angry. And later, when he left (and then his good friend followed who also has suspicions of us clerks), in truth I was kinda glad. I shall not name names as I don't want to tarnish the unit's reputation. Reason being it was the only time and organization outside of choir whereby people and seniors really took care of me after they see me working extra hard there and earning my keep.
Of course, you all must have heard of me unable to get through NAFA and Yong Siew Toh, one of those horrors I can't strike out. 5 months for 2 auditions and it has been a freaking roller coaster ride. Combined with the stress and the pressure to do well, this hasn't gone well. And I'm still struggling to come to acceptance of really what is the actual plan that God has schemed for me. And all these recent pileups has made me feel extremely Emo for a time recently.
I want to clear this up if anything that makes me have a emo and short fuse lately.
*My Strengths
When it comes to strengths, my pure strengths as many of you may know, is my mastery on the piano. Plain and simple. It's because of God's will and Mum's love for me especially when I was born that kept me going and convinced me to join the Genesis II Choir as a musician. A lot more so with the skill I have for 2 decades now. For 6 years I've been in this ministry though this wasn't the first ministry I joined in Holy Family Church, the first being the Altar Servers from 1998 to 2001.
*My Message to my Friends.
In all, I just have one last thing to say. My friends, please do not ever leave me again. I hardly have people to talk or hang out that I can share my problems with. The 'Curse' that I viewed as an unintended weakness and 'blessing' crafted by God.
Love you all, And God Bless you.
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